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It's the Holidays! Are we being our authentic selves?
Thu, 12/17/2009 - 7:02pm
It’s almost Christmas! The Holidays are on us and I know I’m feeling it. Why is it that times that should be so positive end up having such a negative effect on my health and happiness? I feel rushed for time to get the things done, overwhelmed with trying to remember all the details and money, oh wow, how do I stretch the almighty dollar to get one more gift bought? And how does fibromyalgia or any chronic illness play into all of this?
Well, in her book On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grief that a patient goes through when they learn they have a terminal illness. Now we know that fibromyalgia isn’t going to kill us, even though it feels like it some days. But, don’t we still have to grieve? Don’t we have
to “put away our old life and find the new”? I believe we do. So what are those steps? Well, the first is denial. That’s where we simply refuse to accept our diagnosis. It’s been 31 years since I started symptoms and nearly 10 years since I was diagnosed. For me, I knew I had fibromyalgia long before
the doctors were willing to say it, so I didn’t have too much denial, in fact, I was relieved to finally have a name for it and something I could tell my boss about why I kept missing work! The second stage is anger. Don’t we often feel it’s not fair we have this syndrome? Don’t we find our triggers for an angry response are wearing quite thin?
The third stage is bargaining. For those of us who are Christians, do you find yourself telling God that if He would just take this away, we’d be better people and able to do more for His Glory? I’ve found myself praying for a single pain free day, I haven’t had one of those that I can ever remember. Just one
day, and I’d get so much done! The fourth stage can be a dangerous one, its depression. We give up; we no longer care what happens to us. This is the one time I believe fibromyalgia can be fatal, through suicide. Please know it’s normal to feel the depression and anger, and it’s also ok to get help to deal with it. Fibromyalgia has a component of depression anyway, and then when you add in the stages of grief, it’s imperative we get the help we deserve.
The last stage is acceptance. We come to understand we have this syndrome, it’s our bag of rocks to carry, but we will find our ways forward. This stage brings with it a degree of relief. Just accepting that this is who we are, and therefore being able to set your limits and boundaries, makes life easier.
But, do we just go through these steps once and then it’s all better? Of course not. I believe we go through these stages over and over. With fibromyalgia, we have new symptoms, new levels of pain or fatigue and new things to adjust to repeatedly. It therefore makes sense that we deal with these stages repeatedly. Coping is a bit easier over time, but when I’m overset with stress or frustrations, I find myself back in the anger phase. And the stages don’t necessarily go in order!
So how do the Holidays fit into this? Well, it’s a stressful time, we are trying to balance the family obligations, the money situations and our needs, and too often, our needs come last. So that’s my newest pledge to myself, to no longer put myself last in the scope of the Holidays and my family. We have to find the strength to say no! We have to find the strength to say “that doesn’t work for me”. We have to know our limits and we have to stick to them! If we are accepting of our own limits, we can better enforce them when it comes to family. We all have had the situations where we do something we know is going to cause us problems later, and then we start the spiral down. This year, let’s all stick to our boundaries and get through the Holidays happily and able to truly enjoy one another. It’s important to stretch ourselves to do the things we want to do, but it isn’t important to stretch ourselves to do what
other’s what us to do!
The other difficulty with the Holidays is it often brings heartache with it. We remember the family who have left us, we are saddened because of a close friend who has ended the friendship due to fibromyalgia. We have to put time aside to deal with these things and honor them. Through that, we can achieve some level of closure over time.
So what’s the moral of this story? We have to be our authentic selves. We have to meet our needs first and foremost or we can’t truly give to others. The gift, the meal, the location, none of that is as important as us being ourselves, enjoying our family and able to interact and love one another! We
can’t deny the Holidays, we can’t get angry over the money, we can’t bargain for anymore time, and we want to avoid a depression! So, accept who YOU are, what YOU can do and all that YOU offer!
__________________
~~Aimee
Aimee Shannon is a licensed social worker who has fibromyalgia along with a collection of other illnesses. Aimee is passionate that those dealing with chronic illnesses need education and support to best manage their illnesses. Along with writing for Lumigrate, Aimee can be found leading a support group on Facebook, as well as two in person support groups in the Dayton Ohio region. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fibromyalgia-Support-Groups-by-Aimee/94975642116
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e-mailThis forum is provided to allow members of Lumigrate to share information and ideas. Any recommendations made by forum members regarding medical treatments, medications, or procedures are not endorsed by Lumigrate or practitioners who serve as Lumigrate's medical experts.
Two years ago RIGHT NOW I was mentally processing the concept of doing a website to replicate and bring to the homes what Dr. Young and our Fibro Forum Friends in Grand Junction had 'happen', as it was magical! It would better serve the 'big picture' of my life -- I had an aging father, was being invited to become part of a family long-term an hour from where our clinics' building was, and it would reach more people. I recently seemed to surprise Dr. Rollins when I shared that the biggest holdup I had to doing what is now "Lumigrate" was that I would have to disclose so much of what I had kept so very private in the past. I tried to envision what side effects would come from doing such a project, and I decided that the benefits would outweigh the costs. The BIGGEST BENEFIT I have gained so far, at 9 months post launch almost, is the wonderment I feel when I read something here that is written so fabulously and I know will help many people. So Aimee, THANK YOU. Wonderful START, girlfriend! A "Mardy "Mwah'" your way!
I asked Aimee to write for Lumigrate because I knew her professional background qualifies her to have a lot to offer. But ... AND ... she brings her personal life experience with health issues and ALL that it entails, which she obviously has successfully managed to wrap her head around in a positive way (and wants to share to encourage others to find that path that many of us are on, which will lead to as much wellness as possible). That is why I encouraged her to write this, based upon what many of us that correspond have been sensing is going on with people who are following Lumigrate. (And then hopefully MORE people who can use this information will come as well. NOT just those with fibromyalgia -- those who want to be as healthy as they can from where they are at the moment.)
I knew a psychologist when I worked for Colorado State University who had adapted Dr. Kubler-Ross' work to not be a continuum, but a circle and you could just 'plop' from one part of the circle's phases to another at any time in the future, just as Aimee has said, above. I really appreciated that input in the years I struggled with all the changes and losses and learning that came with my health continuing to fail for many years. Even now, with my health so very restored, there are time when I'll end up feeling angry, particularly when I look at the financial devastation that trying to work as an OTR while having FMS caused me over my 'checkerboard career'.
It really IS a moment by moment decision we are always making as to what we 'do' with our life. In my lowest/worst point with my health, about 10 years ago, I did NOT feel like I had that control though. To have a cascade of events unfold that literally felt like it abducted my body, mind, spirit and 'life' was overwhelming. I really appreciate Aimee writing here because I KNOW how challenging fibromyalgia is and particularly at the holidays and felt she was better qualified than I to start that discussion. I hope my sharing here helps continue it.
This holiday season is a very difficult one for me. Fortunately, each one for many years has been different than the last so I'm kinda getting used to it! Many wonderful things are coming together for Lumigrate but the present is very precarious and difficult and entailing a LOT of work. I had envisioned having a business into a place where I could be MORE available to help with my father's likely 'home stretch of life' And a year ago this week my father was hospitalized for what is turning out to be a year of much change for my family. He is now on his third 'cycle' of needing intense medical attention, rehab, home therapies. The way Lumigrate has developed in unexpected ways, I'm actually needing to be in my new 'home town' of six years now, five treacherous or 'challenging' hours' drive away and am looking at the weather window for travel which appears I will be able to be 'home' for Christmas.
It's wonderful we'll be able to all be together, but there definitely are changes and stressors with all that has occurred in our lives in this 'chapter' of our lives together. I reflect on the way we'd go up our hill and cut a sad tree and decorate it, make cookies (a once a year experience in my house), have close family to share the fun of making and eating a big meal and MORE presents after dinner with. Now that 'family' has all passed on or moved away and we share it with my sister's husband's wonderful family, which this year brings with it a new baby, I look forward to simply having us ALL come that day from where we are with our health at the moment and make 'it' what 'it' will 'be'. It's about BEING. And over the years my family has adjusted to that I'm not as able to help with things -- first with my health, now with my physical distance. I hope they are appreciating what I am accomplishing with my 'hub' being here in western Colorado, while they are in the Front Range (Denver metro area).
WHEN IT ALL CHANGED FOR ME (The 'Big Chill')
I remember back to this time of year maybe 11 years ago or so, when I was about 38 maybe, and my only close family from growing up were aging and ill. I was working a very demanding job with lots of driving and had really gone into it pretty 'well', and took on simply having the people up for chili (recipe in the Nutrition area of the Forum) and doing some cross country skiing with their daughter and her fiance from California (which entailed my getting their rental equipment too). I had also set up to have my beloved 'friends of our hearts' (gal pals from growing up) over to my house the next day -- my time with them is always a boon to my soul and energy and one of the most favorite things I look forward to.
I was SO exhausted from the family day I just could NOT have my friends over -- and I cancelled/postponed (which took six months for our schedules to jive again!), rather than ask for help! I've always been the organizer and 'do-er', and I could have just said 'let's meet at a restaurant' but I couldn't think that way for some reason. Looking back on it, I realize THAT is the day my world changed. Eventually I learned and LAST YEAR when the gals were all herded up to meet a couple day after Christmas with my making chili (again, recipe in the nutrition section -- link below), I was able to ask my first friend from youth to take over and she did. There, 45 years later, our relationship changed. And succeeded. I was able to get from the hospital for about an hour of time at the end of the gathering, after a 'dicey' drive on very bad roads over the Continental Divide as we'd had a particularly big storm just before Christmas last year. I was absorbed by a family here that is from the South and MAN did I enjoy some cooking -- that would be Pablo Blanco by the way -- again, recipes in the Nutrition section.
So, we'll see what this holiday brings. My neighbor just called to say she left a package on my porch. She thinks I don't go out my front door but I DO, and collect my papers then, but I don't even take time to read the local paper lately -- I'm working very hard to draw together people and information that will make Lumigrate "Light the Path to Health and Well-Being" this holiday season. I hope this piece helps many, and I look forward to reading YOUR comments as well, if you have time and inclination to share here.
Link to a piece I wrote that ties into how people, per Cheryl Young's teaching, can go from 'something bad happened to me' to 'letting it go':
http://www.lumigrate.com/forum/let-go-shameblame-game-better-health
LINK TO RECIPES (FUN AND YUM): http://www.lumigrate.com/forums/nutrition/recipes
(That chili recipe really is a GREAT one for big gatherings, particularly for those of us who are aware of what our IgG food allergies are, or vegetarians, vegans, meat eaters, avocado loves, not lovers of avos.... it works GREAT).. er GRATE.
Food allergies video (and ALL -- FREE is Full Barrel Syndrome and only 20 minutes. Dr. Young's a psychologist and his 'Health Management' video is free as well...
Link: http://www.lumigrate.com/catalog/seminars
Live and Learn. Learn and Live Better! is my motto. I'm Mardy Ross, and I founded Lumigrate in 2008 after a career as an occupational therapist with a background in health education and environmental research program administration. Today I function as the desk clerk for short questions people have, as well as 'concierge' services offered for those who want a thorough exploration of their health history and direction to resources likely to progress their health according to their goals. Contact Us comes to me, so please do if you have questions or comments. Lumigrate is "Lighting the Path to Health and Well-Being" for increasing numbers of people. Follow us on social networking sites such as: Twitter: http://twitter.com/lumigrate and Facebook. (There is my personal page and several Lumigrate pages. For those interested in "groovy" local education and networking for those uniquely talented LumiGRATE experts located in my own back yard, "LumiGRATE Groove of the Grand Valley" is a Facebook page to join. (Many who have joined are beyond our area but like to see the Groovy information! We not only have FUN, we are learning about other providers we can be referring patients to and 'wearing a groove' to each other's doors -- or websites/home offices!) By covering some of the things we do, including case examples, it reinforces the concepts at Lumigrate.com as well as making YOU feel that you're part of a community. Which you ARE at Lumigrate!