When It's Your Time ....

Oh Petie -- This piece spoke to me in many ways.  I knew you'd been working on it and here it arrived for Lumigrate to read on Memorial Day.  One of our Grate Group of contributors' mother passed away after a year-long time with cancer, earlier this holiday weekend.  My father passed last Labor Day and my experience for me is that the first year of all the holidays and special days after a loss is a particular time for reflection -- and then, gratefully for me, it gets easier rapidly.

My mother and her cousin were like brother and sister, also a depression-era 'thing'.  While we are in the "Great Recession" recently, there was another recession in the late 1950s in Colorado which lead to his family and my family (just before I was born) all 'shacking up' -- and I say this because the house I was raised in was essentially two good sized shacks that eventually was turned into a comfortable yet ramshackled home.  

So on Memorial Day in years past our families would be together -- as we were on all other holidays. Since my parents were both only children, I have no 'real' aunts, uncles, or cousins!  Her cousin was my 'Uncle', as was her best friend's husband .. that way I had a couple of aunts and uncles.  Of those, half didn't have children, so I truly have the smallest family I've known of; my sister and I both opted to not have children.  That's why I like the word framily so much, and I truly understand how you feel your cousin is more like a brother.  On my dad's side, his female cousin who also was an only child and had no children was my 'aunt' -- you've always reminded me of her somehow.  

My dad had a progressive neurologic disease, so I have most recently experienced a situation where there are literally years and decades to prepare.  My mother had a cerebral brain hemorrhage in 1987 and my family experienced the 'sudden, unexpected' at that time.  In her case, I thought it 'admirable' because she was about to go down a long and difficult path due to her lifestyle related to tobacco and alcohol use/abuse.  It simply meant we switched gears and worked through the change of dynamics that comes from having someone 'here today, gone tomorrow'.  

The most difficult for me was a friend who had been murdered in Hawaii on vacation just months prior to my mother's death.  Christine had made application for medical school -- her dream with her husband Danny was to help young people with mental health problems; he went on to do that.  She had gotten a masters in nutrition and had become a 'health nut' and went out running every evening before dinner and it is believed she witnessed a drug deal so was killed.  I didn't have any spiritual perspective at that time to help me with the reality that her Christmas card had said 'I'll call you when I get to Colorado after my family vacation on Maui' and instead of having lunch with her in my home town, I was having drinks and appetizers with all my classmates after her funeral.  Her brother went on to be a motivational speaker related to this event, so perhaps THAT is why it happened -- so he could help many others through his humor and wisdom from the hurt he experienced.  He was the first person allowed to speak to the Columbine High School students after their infamous and unfortunate incident.  

One of my friends, though, had been studying with her mother, something that lined up with my beliefs up to that point and in a way, Christine's death, along with another two that occurred in that same timeframe, lead me to developing my spiritual path.  The stress combined with a lot of other stressors both physical and emotional lead to my health crisis in my late 20s and when I was recovering from that, I said in a moment of deep reflection 'why did this happen to me?' and the response I got was essentially 'it had to do with 'out there' ... G-d as Yenta and the other Jewish people I believe write the word.  I believe all that was given to me in hardships and benefits or abilities was leading me to create Lumigrate, which is increasingly getting information from many different perspectives to help people learn and grow and BE better.  

Essentially when something is not far in the rear view mirror you don't know 'why', but having trust that down the road you'll see why is one of the benefits of age and experience, to me.  I hope you have that now, Petie -- knowing that in the future it'll make sense somehow.  But I am sorry you've had another challenge -- and certainly appreciate your writing about it and sharing for others to embrace.  ~~ Mardy