Let Go of the Shame/Blame Game For Better Health (via Cheryl Young, LMFT)

The one important factor to overcoming traumatic experiences from the past is to first ACCEPT what happened to you.  The younger an individual, the more likely that the memories could become repressed or a very foggy memory.  Many individuals are brought up in families that refuse to discuss the "family secrets." 

To my own surprise, I discovered last summer at the age of 45 that my own family had a "secret" that they wanted to remain "hush! hush!"  All of my life, I had struggled with vague & painful memories from my childhood that I never understood.  The only relative who would discuss this with me has been my sister who is one year older than me.  Sadly, our mother and other siblings refuse to discuss this disturbing family secret.

Nevertheless, after all these years of never delving into the past to dig for true facts, I began to feel a persistent need to unfold the hidden family secret that was buried for over 42 years.  To my shocking discovery, the disturbing mystery that I began to unravel literally turned my life upside down and into a living nightmare!

The horrific real life nightmare began when I was two years old.   After my parents divorced in 1965, my mother took all four of my sisters and I to relocate to her hometown.  Once we were moved into our new home, my single mom had to return to the workforce.  In an effort to go to work, my mother hired a neighborhood teenager girl to babysit my sisters and I in our home.  

Unfortunately, my mother was unaware that the teenage babysitter was actively involved in an evil occult, practicing ritualistic abuse of children as part of bizarre ceremonies.  Tragically, as the youngest child in the family, I was the primary victim of the babysitter's continual abuse. 

Through the assistance of a therapist, my older sister and gathering pieces of memories from my childhood, we were able to successfully come to the conclusion that I was traumatically abused by this babysitter when I was two and three years old. 

My sister shared with me the terrifying details of one occasion in which our teenage babysitter attempted to use me as a human sacrifice during her satanic ritual.  Although, all of these memories are extremely painful and distressing, I have spent six months trying to unravel the traumatic abuse to work through guilt, shame, blame,anger, rage and grief. 

For myself, the most difficult step in moving toward acceptance and healing was to openly verbalize to my family that this abuse did happen, it is real, I did not make it up and I will no longer keep this a "secret."  Sadly, all members in my family, except for one sister, refused to discuss, believe or accept my traumatic child abuse experience.  They continue to live each day in denial, disbelief and verbally attack me.

While I am attempting to "let go" of the unpleasant child abuse memories, it has been a time consuming process that involves traveling down a very dark & dreadful path.  Typically, I go through lengths of time in which I am able to journal what I had gone through as a child and write how I feel about it.  Yet, there are other times in which I need to step away to catch my breath and feel some form of peace in the midst of this hellish reality.

Deep down, I know in my heart, mind, body and soul that I should forgive everyone involved in this traumatic abuse because I am only hurting myself by holding onto bitterness, rage, shame, guilt and grief.  This journey has not been an easy road to travel, but in time, I pray that I will have the strength and courage to carry on a stronger and more compassionate individual who will completely recover.

 There was a book I read about something like this called "Your Body Speaks Your Mind"

While reading it I was enlightened about many things. It didn't "cure" me, but the awareness it brought to me made a big difference, as did the counselling I received a few years later when I had a melt-down.

For example, after moving in with my widowed mother, my symptoms worsened, worst was the IBS. While reading the book, I realized that living in a home that my deceased abusive step-father had purchased and lived in, my abdominal symptoms worsened. That was a light-bulb going off over my head!

I have a friend who is a certified hypno-therapist who created a series of cd's called Quantum Joy. One of the tracks that helped the most was called "Letting Go of Unforgiveness".  While listening, I burst into heavy tears and suddenly felt a tremendous release of pressure. I pictured my abuser and let him go, acknowledging that he was mentally ill and what he did to me was not my fault. I continue using her techniques when I remember, nights I can't sleep and the "sound tracks" run through my head of all the things I need to let go.

My counsellor reminded me to let go of the "Shoulds, Coulds, Oughts" that made me feel down on myself or guilty when I was unable to do things I thought I "Should" have or "Ought" to do.

Also, don't forget that while you show compassion to others, you deserve the same compassion towards yourself.

Some of the best "natural therapists" out there don't have degrees and initials after their names (sometimes they haven't even gone to kindergarden yet). And fortunately many wonderful professionals do have degrees and certifications of various types. This topic is starting to demonstrate that and I LOVE it!  

Thanks to ALL who contribute!  If everyone who needs advise and can share advise comes and grabs an oar and writes a little, it's developing into quite a handy "boat to float to wellness in" for increasing numbers of people

~~ Mardy

It's not like I was a teenager, when I had a traumatic thing happen ~ I was 30 years old!!!  Many months later, I learned that even at 30, I could make the biggest mistake of my life.

I won't use another name to protect the innocent, as he wasn't innocent ~ Jim. The summer I was 30, Jim came to my parents home with one of my dear friends and her boyfriend for a weekend camping/pig roast party. He was a co-worker and best friend of my friend's boyfriend. Jim was very nice, a true gentleman. Soft spoken, gentle mannered, a bit on the quiet side ~ but funny and pleasant.  It was a nice weekend ~ everyone had a great time, and I felt I had made a new friend in Jim, which was nice.

Some time later, I went to visit my friend and her boyfriend, who lived a couple hours away from where I did, so it made a nice getaway weekend for me.  To my surprise, there again was Jim!  He did things with us all weekend, and before I left for home, asked when I would be down again.  After some time passed, we started dating. 

He would come up to my family's farm, or I would go stay with my girlfriend and we'd all go out together; this went on for quite some time. Jim still was ever the gentleman ~ always pleasant, always kind.

I'm sure you can guess where I'm headed due to the topic of this conversation overall ~ but maybe not. I didn't.

He asked me to move down to where he lived and to move in with him.  After thinking it over, I put a transfer in from my employer and when it came through a few months later, I moved down.

Slowly, the REAL Jim started to emerge ~ the one he had hidden all this time.  All the false actions and kindness were not the real Jim.  At first, I thought we just did not get along and it was my fault, but then I realized I'm not that stupid to take the blame for him acting completly different than who he had been for all that time previously. 

Jim was an emotional abuser ~  he started slow, but when he got going, he didnt know when to quit! Then he added lying to the mix.  He began telling lies to my friend and her boyfriend in order to make them distance me. 

Every day when I drove to work, I passed a church, and every day I would stop and prayed for my transfer w/ my work to come through so i could return home. Then one night he hit me;  the next day I left.  I had to move further from home but was able to stay with another dear friend.  At work that day, I traded days with other emplyees so I could go home for a full month; I was so exhausted.  I had lost over 100 lbs. I cried all the time.  I needed "home". 

When I left work and was driving home, I stopped at that church and went in to say my ever-faithfull prayer.  I never had to go back ~ my transfer came through! It was the next to the last of my 30 days off.

I don't know for a fact, but my Mom and I both think I had a nervous breakdown over this. When I came home, I did not even know who I was anymore.  Jim had belittled me and abused me emotionally so badly, he not only took away 'me', but he had also ruined my friendship with that close friend and her boyfriend due to his lies. They believed him over me.

So I turned into a workaholic and tried to work on getting 'me' back together.  This was the beginning of my illness that led to me not being able to work anymore.  Do I think stress affected my fibromyalgia?  Yes.  Was my sleep disrupted?  You bet'ch, it was.  Do I think I over-taxed my body physically?  Most definitely, but at the time it was the ONLY way I could cope with life.  I did nothing socially or for enjoyment on my own, I only worked.

When I got sick with a severe dizziness condition that kept me out of work and in my room in the dark w/ no noise, and no lights for five months, I had a lot of time to think.   I realized I still held the STRESS, ANGER, HUMILIATION, BETRAYAL, SADNESS, and even the HATRED inside! I dont like to hate anyone, but I realized I hated what I allowed him to do to me!  I was hating ME!!  I had been trying to "let it go" all this time, and had not succeeded.  But I knew I had to do it, or this anger and hate would destroy ME!

The fact that I can type his name, and tell this tale here, is my assurance that I have released it.  I realized holding onto those emotions would ruin the rest of my life,  and why should I give him that power? ITS MY LIFE. I guess that's why I try to never give any power to any illness I have, either.  I don't want anything to run my life for me  ~ I want that privilege, that gift.

I am honest when I say I try not to think about that time in my life, nor him, nor any of what happened, generally, and I'm proud to say my close friend and her boyfriend and I are all great friends again. Shortly after I moved away they learned from first-hand expierence what i went though with Jim.

The last thing I'd like to add is something a very wise person once told my husband and me: If someone has wronged you, or hurt you, you need to forgive them, because if you don't,  it's YOU who will not be able to move on.  It's YOU who will remain in that pain/anger/emotional state until you do. The other person will have already gone on and likely aren't thinking two thoughts of you, so why should you obsess over them?

As always,  I'm lonnnng winded.  Sorry, but I did want to express the full emotional feeling of this time in my life and the lessons learned. 

I wonder how many people are going to be helped by your words, today, Cherie.  Thank you so very much for sharing.  I am sorry you had to have the time to think about it when dizzy for five months, and am thinking that if you'd NOT, there might not be someone so wise right now to write like you just did for us.  Thank you.  Now let's see if many others write and that it will have information that, in turn, can help with that 'dizzy thing' as I know you had put on facebook that you've had an episode of that recently.  I know I had a phase of vertigo for a few years here that has now not bothered me for 2 years!   ~~ Mardy

I first want to applaud the bravery it takes to share past trauma.  The fact that you are willing to share means that the healing process has already begun.  I would like to respectfully respond to the notion of blame/shame/guilt by offering a developmental explanation.  Part of working through b/s/g is understanding where it comes from, how these feelings are programmed in the brain, and how I work with patients to move beyond these
reactions. 

Children "think" differently from adults because their brains have not yet fully developed.  A child views the world and the things that happen to him/her through the prism of self-centrism.  Everything that occurs revolves around the child or is caused by whatever the child does, thinks, fails to do, wants, doesn't want, etc.  It is only later in adolescence and young adulthood that we are able to think abstractly.  In other words, we are able to see things happening on their own (we can separate our intentions from the intentions of others).  A child cannot yet do this. 

In order to help my patients understand this concept, I use the "Chocolate Milk Analogy" which goes like this:
   
"Imagine you are eight years old and your parents just put in a brand new white carpet.  You are playing on the carpet and have a glass of chocolate milk.  Accidentally you spill the chocolate milk and a nasty stain
appears on the carpet.  One of your parents sees this and becomes very upset.  That parent is upset, you are upset, and everybody goes to bed that night upset.  In the middle of the night that parent wakes up, has a
heart attack, and dies.  The next day the child is asked to explain the parent's death.  That child will say "If I hadn't spilled the chocolate milk, my parent wouldn't have died".

Children explain things that occur in their lives based on associations to themselves and their actions and intentions.  When a child is abused he/she will assume an unnecessary, often unconscious, measure of responsibility for the abuse.  This becomes imbedded in the child's mind and becomes a sort of root premise for future events.  Many of these individuals go on to accept responsibility for the actions of others throughout their lives.  This forms the basis for future co-dependency and enabling behavior.

What I mean by this is that the child looks inward and tries to figure out how they can be different, look different, think in different ways, feel different, etc. in order to control/stop/prevent/adjust to/etc. the abuse that is happening to them. When we seek to control our environment by changing who we are, we forfeit our spontaneous relationship with reality and that takes a great deal of energy.  Hence the connection to chronic illness later in life.

A large part of therapy involves marshalling our adult capacity for abstract thinking to counter condition these "automatic" (conditioned) assumptions about our roles/responsibilities in life.  Patients learn to detach from their impulsive emotional reactions and assumptions and examine life more realistically using "here and now" explanations.  After a while, if you don't act on the assumptions or accept them as reality, they lose their power.

This process takes time and requires much self analysis and willingness to challenge our feelings and assumptions.  I constantly remind my patients that feelings are not necessarily reality.  However, the process is hastened with support from others and the courage to make the cognitive changes necessary to view the world as it is, not as we project it. 

Also, change requires taking risks; risking intimacy, vulnerability, and trust, while at the same time maintaining the boundaries we need in order to remain safe in our lives. 

Chris

Dr. Young, I was abused as a child and I made the decision to not tell my family what had happened to me, I kept the secret. I did this thinking I was protecting them, I know now as an adult my family would have protected me had I told. Now years later, I know that what happened then has had an impact on decisions I have made as a adult. I finally went to therapy and through that, I was able to FORGIVE MYSELF for those things I percieved as being my fault and as an adult, I'm able to recognize that I wasn't at fault in any manner. So for the most part, I feel that I'm fairly healed in that situation.

But, I often hear people say that we have to forgive others, that we can't truly move on without forgiveness. I have no intention of forgiving my abuser. He doesn't deserve it and I know he hasn't changed who he is. Do you feel it's necessary to forgive the abuser to be able to heal from past abuse? Thanks so much for your time and input, it is so wonderfully helpful!!

Hey Aimee -- I will be looking forward to what Dr Young's response is to this. 

Today I emailed with someone who had asked me on the phone about suggestions for a family member of hers, and part of that list was to include a provider like Lynn Hellerstein, OD (author of the book See It! Say It! DO IT!!, a book 'for' adults who work with children about getting better results from the brain, basically. The techniques can be adapted for older children or adults). 

I commended this person for being so proactive and shared that my mother had known I needed the type of optometry and vision therapy which Dr Hellerstein specializes in, but didn't seek it out for me. Any time spent with me was going to cut into her time with her teacher friends smoking and gabbing in the teacher's lounge after school was out, and then her world revolved around martini time (5:00 on the dot!). 

The response on the phone earlier was something like 'well back when we were kids they didn't think about our feelings like we do now'.  I understood that, overall, was the case, but in my mother's case she was a specialist in learning disabled students and would refer parents to someone in Denver who was doing this special type of therapy for the brain/visual system.

So I found it 'inexcusable' in her case; in another parent's case it would not have been if they didn't know about something that was not well known or easily found out about before the Internet.  That's why I appreciate the scoring system for the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) questionnaire: There's a point that come my way for being neglected due to substance/alcohol abuse.

Not that I enjoy 'tallying a score' about my family of origin for the enjoyment of vilifying or 'blaming', but because it helps to get an objective number/feedback on the situation and then be able to say 'that is part of my health care picture, so am I going to chose to address working on healing it .... or not.'  

Despite my repeated complaints and requests to breathe fresh air in the house, she refused to withhold smoking cigarettes around me.  I wasn't, to anyone's knowledge at the time, unwell, but it turns out I was! My adrenals were already fatigued, based on symptoms I had at the time.  Which of course, back then, we didn't know that getting a second wind at bedtime and not being able to go to sleep was a symptom of the domino effect which would have me almost housebound two decades later when the dominoes finally fell all the way down.  

I spent a good portion of my early adulthood in situations that were beating me up because of these problems with the parenting I'd had. One day in my late 20s, when my health was becoming precarious and I was literally at the end of my rope, the lightbulb went on.  It wasn't quite like Cherie's case, above, where she was dizzy for five months and bedridden, but I'd had a whole summer where I was very impaired because of what is now defined as chronic fatigue syndrome, and I had a lot of time to think about 'why is this happening to me?'

Like Cherie, I'd poured myself into my work and had not yet worked out that men in authority 'over you', like a parent or a boss, can't insist that you work yourself to death.  I'd not stood up to things my whole life prior to that because I'd been raised with such an 'iron fist'; many baby boomers related that type of parenting.  And I wasn't aware that the new building my job was in was outgassing toxins that my genes set me up to fail around.  Live and learn. Learn and live better, as I sign off of my topics at Lumigrate with. 

When my back was really 'against the wall' and I realized my very life and livelihood depended on my changing, I started a process that took a couple of years and overhauled myself and then my immediate family. I got some vision therapy and glasses with bifocal and prism in them, which I'd needed since day 1 in life due to a brain injury that wasn't even diagnosed until my second specialist in that form of optometry when I was age 37 and had moved to Denver.

I started taking the more difficult classes needed to make application for the OT program at Colorado State University, which was very competitive and difficult to get into in those years before the medical industry changed. I changed my interaction with my family of origin so as to not be overly burdened with things which were really others' issues for them to deal with and not mine.  "What would a normal child of age __ do with normal parents in this situation?" became my guidepost.  

My father was thrown for a loop when my mother died a few years earlier at age 62.  I realized that not only did she die young from HER exposures which stemmed from symptoms that were to do with HER genes plus 'load'/ exposure, and what are considered by many  "lifestyle choices and vices",  which got out of control, but my father had refused my appeal to have an intervention with her because he really didn't want to change the dynamic.  

"Codependent No More" I was going to be, and I was also not going to be used by my codependent family members in their unhealthy scenarios anymore. Or at least that was my plan, it's very hard to Houdini out of all of it, they're very clever manipulators in these dysfunctional families sometimes, it seems.  

At the time, I felt he was fully capable of learning how to cook nutritious dinners, but he'd gone from living with a doting mother to college, to the military, to being married to my mother.  He'd never taken care of himself.  That was his option, to learn to or not, but I wasn't going to spend hours every week driving to his house to  cook for him. At the time when he refused to collaborate with me on an intervention with my mother, I talked with her individually, made my concerns known, got her response that she appreciated my concern but 'this is how I want to live and this is how I want to die'.  Okay, fine, that makes it easy! 

At that point, I quit doing their housework for them; she cooked and did light housekeeping but the deeper stuff, I had done for the past 20 years, even though I was by far the youngest of their two children. I wasn't going to 'enable' the secondary gain from feeling 'loved' by having someone drive two hours on the weekend to set up meals; I had a home, husband, and step-daughter of my own who was a teenager, plus a very full plate with my job.  

I did hop in years later when his health issues became apparent to me, which turned out to be a neurologic disease which is like Parkinsons, Alzheimers, and schizophrenia rolled together but diluted on each aspect, so it's not often diagnosed correctly, or in his case, at all.  So I continued to live by my standard of 'what would a normal daughter do in this situation in a non dysfunctional family?' and that would be to help the physically impaired and cognitive impaired (and behaviorally difficult) parent.   

Eventually, I came to have the capacity to have 'grace' about her situation and more than that, to incorporate the belief that her experiences and what she passed on to me in every moment or strand of DNA was intended to be for me and things have happened exactly as they were intended to happen. I'd later learn via someone sent my way from Dr Young indirectly, about pyroluria, and that was the missing link to understand a lot of anxiety, mental and behavioral 'quirks' or problems, not just in myself or my biological family, but in anyone I was dealing with. 

Every thing about my life of any significance was exactly as it has been for a reason, and that is 'sublime', and I need to find the grace to accept that.  It just takes years to see it. It's not been an easy life, and I have had many challenges to deal with and I have to appreciate each one and the overall for being just as it was intended to be. Similar with my father's situation, which was about as bungled as any end of life / medical situation I've ever seen.

And in that, it took the situation to a different place where it was no longer about "shame", "blame" or "forgiving" -- it was about BEING, at more spiritual levels.  THAT is what it took for me to 'get to another level' related to wellness with the challenges I have faced, which I think is what I see you asking in this question, personally.  

Having someone as important as a mother be as negligent as she was truly was detrimental to me. In my opinion, my dad was just as much, if not more, intended to shape my life in negative and positive ways, and everywhere in between.

From the moment I had information given to ME about how dyfunction in childhood affects a person in adulthood, then the power and responsibility shifts to ME now.  I'd be just as 'guilty' as she was of not doing what I should be doing for me if I wasn't fully taking responsibility for 'undoing' all that. It's been a lot of work and will be something that will always be part of the fabric of my life and what makes me who I am.  Including my 'recovery' from it. 

And I'm very interested to see what a Dr Young's 'take is' on your question as well.  THANKS for your openness; since the day Lumigrate was on the Internet I have challenged myself to be as honest and involved as the people who are writing, and that's been one of the biggest surprises of Lumigrate is how unbelievably generous people have been with their thoughts and sharing.  Thank you and all for THAT, and for challenging me to be as honest 'through' a virtual mechanism for health education's sake as YOU are. ~~ Mardy

The Two Wolves      

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.  He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all..

One is Evil.
It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret , greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego..

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace , love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grandson thought about it for a minute....  And then asked his grandfather:  'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed .'  

(Mardy's note:  I also/originally placed this as it's own Topic in this same Forum but thought it was the best response to what Aimee had asked of Dr Young that I could offer -- so posted it here also.  11/06/10 ~~ Mardy

That is a good analogy!!   When I investigated sexual abuse, often times parents of the victims would ask if this was going to make their child a perpetrator one day.    We would often say "A perpetrator has almost always been abused, but not all that are abused become perpetrators".   We would go through things with the parents of what they needed to do to help their child heal from what happened.

So I do see that bit about feeding which wolf.   For those kids who didn't tell, or who were not believed when they did, or any other of a hundred scenarios, they could be caught in that trap.   I thankfully had a loving family and my decision to not tell was my own fantasy of protecting them.   I think because of my loving family, I have been able to truly see that my role was strictly as a victim but now as an adult, I can also say it's only one small piece of who I am today.

So I know for me now, I'm feeding the positive wolf!   Honestly, I wouldn't have been as good as an investigator as I was without having had the personal experience.   I really could understand the fear, shame, etc.    I don't hold on to any more animosity towards my abuser.  In fact, I recently learned of a serious health issue with him and I had no reaction, I simply don't care.   I thought that was good, that I wasn't happy that he was sick, if that makes sense.

So yes, I'm just curious what Dr. Young thinks about if you have to forgive the one who abused you to truly move forward.   I've had this internal debate for a long time!!   

Well Dr. Young,

You are quickly becoming one of my favorite people in the world!   I needed to hear exactly that.   I am well on my way, and appreciate knowing that is one thing I don't have to address.   Should he ever ask, I can deal with it then, but I'm doubtful.   So deep breath and ahhhh, letting that go!

I hope the fish were biting!!   

Thank you!

On facebook this weekend, a nationally-known pain specialist was asking people about past trauma and what people thought about that.  Many people went to the 'physical trauma' place (whiplash and falls were preludes to their going into chronic pain conditions), so I wanted to bring up the psychological aspects (body / mind)(the third is spiritual, but I stuck with the mind on this one).  

I suggested they listen to the podcast with Dr Young and me (link below) and referred them to read this wonderful piece that went back and forth between things I could contribute from Cheryl Young's perspective, Aimee Shannon, all those above here in the 'stream' of words. Thanks to ALL who have contributed to this dynamic and powerful piece on Lumigrate! Synergy is showing which is the intention with Lumigrate!

Then it was asked on the facebook stream "what makes someone be able to be worked with", and my response is the 'team around You' and thought it would be good for me to place the Lumigrate You model here as a reminder. The rough draft of this was drawn up in a brainstorming session years ago when Dr Young and I were talking about an educational forum and taking a concept a rheumatologist had given me in a previous meeting, requesting someone in our city set something up to help his patients with fibromyalgia.  That was a model that had the patient rotating to different providers such as are helpful for people with chronic pain and fibromyalgia. Then I had a couple of different artists work it over to get what you see below!

Naturally, I call it "the Lumigrate YOU Model" but at times want to call it the "YOUng Model" since without Chris' particular affinity for thinking in models and diagramming things, it wouldn't have evolved as it did! 

While I believe it is essential there be a competent team approach, I want to remind everyone who the core person is on that team. YOU!~~ Mardy

Link to podcast of Dr Young and me talking with Adam of TalkingDigital/moderator aboout our fibromyalgia forum and introducing Dr Young's focus with Lumigrate and the chronic pain and illness population related to the correlation of adverse childhood experiences and the role of chronic illness/pain in adulthood. 

www.lumigrate.com/forum/lumigrate-premier-podcast-mardy-ross-and-chris-young-history-and-future [26]

Recently, I've been working on my 'intuitive abilities' and select a book at night with low lighting when I'm not really seeing what book I pull out!  If nothing else it's a fun SURPRISE to see what I pull off the shelves, and some can be donated to Goodwill, which has a sign up saying "This location needs books".  

Last night the book selected was Master the Power of Self-Hypnosis: Program your subconscious to attain health, wealth and happiness by C. Roy Hunter, M.S.  I see from the receipt that I purchased it in 1999 in Denver, I believe on a day I had taken off early from my job to meet up with my gal pal and OT classmate, Anita.  There are photos of me with her in front of the Capital with the flowers saying '2000' which nearby the bookstore's location -- I was like 'what was I doing at 300 East Colfax in November of 1999!).   (For those who don't know Denver, east Colfax is the 'problematic district', you might say, but within three blocks it's near the area where all the businesses are that cater to the people around there for the governmental purposes.    WHEW! I thought I was forgetting something.... GRINS!)

At that time I was the driving rehabilitation program lead at MasterDrive, an innovative driving program which was owned by a former race car winner (Porsche's Cup, 1983 I believe), and he had utilized in his racing career then in his training first time through race car drivers 'the power of the mind' extensively.  So I had to do a lot of studying up! I've been grateful ever since in my career for the progressive concepts I lived there, as they were liberated from insurance-based medicine's limitations since we weren't billing medical insurance (medical insurance typically does not pay for driving therapy as it is not considered a 'necessity' since there are, in theory, public transportation means available to people.  They also don't pay for safety equipment in the bathroom, but that's another story for another place and 'day', so to speak.)

I read for a short time and got sleepy and went to sleep, only to wake up before dawn and feeling like it was time to GO! In my past I did used to get up at 5 am and go work out (swim and weights) and that was when my health went from being really in a good recovery from CFS to having different symptoms come on which were later identified as FMS.  (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / Fibromyalgia Syndrome.) So I decided to read and go back to sleep.  Which I did, and made the mental note to come today and check and see how that book's contents fit into this discussion, as it is one of my favorite threads to refer people to when I am consulting with people about things related to their particular case (which can be a client of theirs or directly with the consumer/patient).  

In Chapter 9, titled "Clearing Obstacles", there is a section titled "Forgiveness and Responsibility" after short blurgs about "The Traps", which are The Failure Trap, The Justification Trap, "If Only....." .  This is what is said in this section:

I often tell my hypnotherapy students that there is no magic in hypnosis, but there is often magic in forgiveness.  This point is often the most controversial one in my entire nine-month hypotherapy course. 

It is human nature to hold on to anger against those who have hurt us until they pay for their mistakes. Forgiving others does not mean condoning their actions or requiring you to forget how they might have hurt you, but it does mean that you have to "let go" of your anger toward them for those past hurts.  Why? Because forgiveness provides the powerful key to escaping the traps described above.  We might wisely choose to separate ourselves from a bad situation for our own protection (or to put a criminal behind bars for the protection of society), but we must escape from our own grudges in order to be free. 

I believe that we are the ones who remain in bondage to grudges ... not the people who hurt us.  Until we learn to let go of anger over past hurts, it may be virtually impossible to clear the obstacles in our path and make the changes we desire.  Some experts seem to prefer that their clients keep their anger and stay in counseling for years, taking your money and helping you discover all kinds of causes for your problems.  These alleged causes might tempt you to put more energy into keeping your problems in the belief that you might be more "functional" today IF ONLY someone else had not been responsible for harming or abusing you.  Some counselors claim that we can regain our power only by confronting the perpetrator! In my view, forgiveness outshines blame and is absolutely essential for complete healing.  At the very least, we must release the other person to his/her higher power (or karmic fate) and forgive ourselves for carrying the hurt. ....

One of my clients (in her forties) told me that another counselor, as a condition of healing, instructed her to confront her father for alleged childhood abuse! If this happens to you, you might benefit by looking for another therapist.  You don't need to hear someone say that you'd be normal "if only" you had not been abused.

I have experienced the healing power of forgiveness the abuse I received from a cousin during childhood. Forgiving and releasing resulted in my ability to heal and get on with life and, contrary to the opinion of a psychotherapist, I am NOT scarred for life.  My choice was either to heal through forgiveness or to say, If only he hadn't hurt me, I could be normal.  I'm grateful that I chose the path of forgiveness.

 Regardless of our past, we can change our present response to it.  Don't stay in the victim trap.  Regardless of what pain and stress others might inflict upon us, we must all accept responsibility for our reactions to other people, places, and things.  (If you currently feel trapped in stressful family problems and/or a bad job, etc., seek competent professional help from an appropriate source.) 

At the opposite extreme, we find people whose idea of "accepting responsibility" means YOU are somehow responsible for the actions of people who hurt you.  Accepting your own responsibility does not mean accepting responsibility for the actions of others -- both rather only for your own actions! You need to find the balance between the two.  When you determine what your share of the responsibility is, learn from it and forgive yourself also, because forgiving yourself is equally as important as forgiving others.  

I felt this, overall, is a wonderful short piece from a dynamite book.  In order to shorten what I was sharing, I initially left out the paragraph about the woman in her forties but felt there was nothing that could be left out of that section and will entrust that the author appreciates that I didn't want to leave out ONE WORD OF IT, and very much recommend obtaining from a library or bookstore! As ALWAYS, a way to help your community is to take the time to have the library purchase a book that you can start the reading on and hope others find it on the shelves and also learn!

Mardy's Note: I asked Dr Sprulock to post this original quote of his on Lumigrate since it included the word 'blame'... He's definitely a champion for looking to solutions and is very appreciative of the therapeutic process.  I wanted people to know the context of this quote so it was not misunderstood.  Thanks. Mardy

 ‎"There is no one to blame! There's only taking action!" ...... Wm. Marcus Spurlock, MD

Knowing that this was a widely read topic on Lumigrate, and that I refer people to it quite a lot in my work with providers or consumers who are seeking guidance, I was pleased that Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love was interested in having his blog post "If you want to love, learn how to forgive - here's how" at Lumigrate.  Here's the link for your ease -- it's in this same forum so you can navigate to it that way as well.

 www.lumigrate.com/forum/if-you-want-love-learn-how-forgive-heres-how-mastin-kipp-daily-love [33]

You will see that I introduce it there saying it's a GRATE example of 'complementary'; much overlap in what this stream is about and what he presents, yet some difference.  Each way might resonate more for one person or another and OVERALL, they reinforce each other.  I believe this will make this popular topic even more beneficial for those who refer to it.  Live and Learn! Learn and Live Better! ~~ Mardy

To REALLY encourage you to go read the piece, here's the start of the topic: 

If You Want Love, Learn How To Forgive! Here’s How!

Since the days when this piece was last embellished by the wonderful 'back and forth' with Chris/Dr Young and Aimee, or I added on about Mastin Kipp and what some might call a 'New Age' perspective on 'Forgiveness', it has come to my attention that the CDC has really gotten some great information at their website, it looks like it was updated late in 2013. Here's the link -- I strongly encourage people to go, it's very easy to navigate, and has the questionnaires and a lot of related, supportive information and resources from their perspective. www.cdc.gov/ace/index.htm [37].

(Thanks to Lumigrate's certified spirituality coach, Beth Patterson, for having shared about it on Facebook, so I was aware of their having gotten a worthy resource at their website on this topic.) (ironically Dr Young and I used to work across the parking lot from Beth's former employer before she moved to the Pacific Northwest, but I didn't connect with her until she was there, and through a mutual FB friend. You can find most of Beth's pieces in the spirituality forum, and also in the end of life/"home stretch" area, as her professional background as hospice chaplain allowed her to provide some helpful topics at the time some of our contributors in the forums had personal need for such information. She uses a lot of humor and it's a very unique skill set she has, fitting well with Lumigrate. Thanks Beth and all who contribute to making Lumigrate a resource for YOUsers.) 

 This was shared on Facebook and I'd never seen this 'coach' and website. Since it was focused on this topic which has been one of the core concepts we have for information on Lumigrate, I wanted to add to it. It appears Woody Haiken's blog topics and resources he provides as services could be of value for the Lumigrate readers to know about. It seemed to me he carried the ball a little further or summarized what we'd discussed, above, in a 'nutshell'. BOLDING added by me to allow our readers or gleaner YOUsers to catch the highlight I read that made me say "I'm goign to add this onto the topic of Shame/Blame/Letting Go at Lumigrate. ~ Mardy

Please take the journey to Mr Haiken's website, I've provided this one topic in full, below in order to allow YOUsers to see how he provides information -- there are many others like it and his services outlined, etc. 

Forgiveness as a selfish act

This was a very popular topic that went around Facebook; spirituality coach for Lumigrate, Beth Patterson, had shared it which I didn't see, but I did see it in my feed shared by Gusti, who I'd just mentioned in a private message, hence it made her share come into my feed, I would suspect. AND Gusti is a live world person I know who knew Beth in the live world and then on Facebook I saw Beth commenting on Gusti's Facebook and thereby got the right certified spirituality coach for Lumigrate at that time.  (To my knowledge nobody's gone to her from Lumigrate and I've not had the need to refer anyone her way, but I did really feel it important to have someone available to usher people to if I became aware of them.) 

It's by Tim Lawrence, and this is what is said at the bottom of the blog post: (which, by the way, if you go on the link you can listen to it being verbally offered as well as the visually / readable I provide here, below).   

I'm Tim, and The Adversity Within is a blog dedicated to examining the topic of resilience in the face of adversity, while inspiring readers to stand headstrong in their grief and fight for their own evolution. Living with cerebral palsy and epilepsy, I explore topics like post-traumatic growth, survival, and self-reliance. No one should face adversity alone. 

www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason [42]

I emerge from this conversation dumbfounded. I've seen this a million times before, but it still gets me every time. 

I’m listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident; her life shattered in an instant. She now lives in a state of near-permanent pain; a paraplegic; many of her hopes stolen.

He tells of how she had been a mess before the accident, but that the tragedy had engendered positive changes in her life. That she was, as a result of this devastation, living a wonderful life.

And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.

That's the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue. 

It is amazing to me that so many of these myths persist—and that is why I share actionable tools and strategies to work with your pain in my free newsletter. These myths are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication, and they preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've heard these countless times. You've probably even uttered them a few times yourself. And every single one of them needs to be annihilated.

Let me be crystal clear: if you've faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. 

These words come from my dear friend Megan Devine [43], one of the only writers in the field of loss and trauma I endorse. These words are so poignant because they aim right at the pathetic platitudes our culture has come to embody on an increasingly hopeless level. Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante cannot be fixed. 

They can only be carried.

I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn't. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we've replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence.  

I now live an extraordinary life. I've been deeply blessed by the opportunities I've had and the radically unconventional life I've built for myself. Yet even with that said, I'm hardly being facetious when I say that loss has not in and of itself made me a better person. In fact, in some ways it's hardened me.

While so much loss has made me acutely aware and empathetic of the pains of others, it has made me more insular and predisposed to hide. I have a more cynical view of human nature, and a greater impatience with those who are unfamiliar with what loss does to people.

Above all, I've been left with a pervasive survivor’s guilt that has haunted me all my life. This guilt is really the genesis of my hiding, self-sabotage and brokenness.

In short, my pain has never been eradicated, I've just learned to channel it into my work with others. I consider it a great privilege to work with others in pain, but to say that my losses somehow had to happen in order for my gifts to grow would be to trample on the memories of all those I lost too young; all those who suffered needlessly, and all those who faced the same trials I did early in life, but who didnot make it. 

I'm simply not going to do that. I'm not going to construct some delusional narrative fallacy for myself so that I can feel better about being alive. I'm not going to assume that God ordained me for life instead of all the others so that I could do what I do now. And I'm certainly not going to pretend that I've made it through simply because I was strong enough; that I became "successful" because I "took responsibility."

There’s a lot of “take responsibility” platitudes in the personal development space, and they are largely nonsense. People tell others to take responsibility when they don’t want to understand.

Because understanding is harder than posturing. Telling someone to “take responsibility” for their loss is a form of benevolent masturbation. It’s the inverse of inspirational porn: it’s sanctimonious porn.

Personal responsibility implies that there’s something to take responsibility for. You don’t take responsibility for being raped or losing your child. You take responsibility for how you choose to live in the wake of the horrors that confront you, but you don't choose whether you grieve. We're not that smart or powerful. When hell visits us, we don't get to escape grieving.

This is why all the platitudes and fixes and posturing are so dangerous: in unleashing them upon those we claim to love, we deny them the right to grieve.

In so doing, we deny them the right to be human. We steal a bit of their freedom precisely when they're standing at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.

No one—and I mean no one—has that authority. Though we claim it all the time.

The irony is that the only thing that even can be "responsible" amid loss is grieving. 

So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, you can let them go.

If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go.

If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that you’ll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.

Let me reiterate: all of those platitudes are bullshit. 

You are not responsible to those who try to shove them down your throat. You can let them go. 

I’m not saying you should. That is up to you, and only up to you. It isn't an easy decision to make and should be made carefully. But I want you to understand that you can.

I've grieved many times in my life. I've been overwhelmed with shame and self-hatred so strong it’s nearly killed me.

The ones who helped—the only ones who helped—were those who were there. And said nothing. 

In that nothingness, they did everything.

I am here—I have lived—because they chose to love me. They loved me in their silence, in their willingness to suffer with me, alongside me, and through me. They loved me in their desire to be as uncomfortable, as destroyed, as I was, if only for a week, an hour, even just a few minutes.

Most people have no idea how utterly powerful this is.

Are there ways to find "healing" amid devastation? Yes. Can one be "transformed" by the hell life thrusts upon them? Absolutely. But it does not happen if one is not permitted to grieve. Because grief itself is not an obstacle.

The obstacles come later. The choices as to how to live; how to carry what we have lost; how to weave a new mosaic for ourselves? Those come in the wake of grief. It cannot be any other way. 

Grief is woven into the fabric of the human experience. If it is not permitted to occur, its absence pillages everything that remains: the fragile, vulnerable shell you might become in the face of catastrophe.

Yet our culture has treated grief as a problem to be solved, an illness to be healed, or both. In the process, we've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. As a result, when you're faced with tragedy you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people, you're surrounded by platitudes. 

What to Offer Instead

When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. This means that the act of inviting someone—anyone—into their world is an act of great risk. To try and fix or rationalize or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words: 

I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.

Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you're going to do something. That is not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to listen to them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful.

There is no greater act than acknowledgment. And acknowledgment requires no training, no special skills, no expertise. It only requires the willingness to be present with a wounded soul, and to staypresent, as long as is necessary.

Be there. Only be there. Do not leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you're not doing anything. In fact, it is when you feel uncomfortable and like you're not doing anything that you must stay.

Because it is in those places—in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter—where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Thus I beg you, I plead with you, to be one of these people.

You are more needed than you will ever know. 

And when you find yourself in need of those people, find them. I guarantee they are there. 

Everyone else can go.