When I talk to my parents and inquire about how they are doing in general or in any specific area: the answer is always "We are fine, just fine." What I observe when I am with them is the difference of how they move or operate now compared to previous years. I see a big difference. Is this "fine" because they really think everything is OK or because they have accepted the changes and I have not?
This is where our communication dance becomes complex. I think we are in a dance where I try to uncover issues and they cover or minimize any issues that come up. My big laugh comes because this is our family pattern in exact reverse. Growing up, my parents asked the questions and I covered up at every opportunity and minimized any issues I had.
I think every family has their practiced communication patterns. I have found they get mixed up or turned upside down as we all slide into different roles based on aging needs and changing abilities.
So, what do you do now? I have found listening, and really listening, is what gives me the best idea of how my parents are doing. I try to be curious about a topic and ask with interest instead of demanding to know why something happened. This practice has met my need for getting more depth of information from just phone conversations.
Try stepping back and looking at your current communication patterns with your family. Are they working? What would happen if you practiced "just" listening?
Gwen is a life transitions coach who looks forward to your email at gpspiral@gmail.com [1]. You will gain balance in health, life and play from coaching with Gwen. She is a regular contributor to Lumigrate's forum on life and health coaching (www.lumigrate.com/forums/integrative-medicine-parts-make-whole/therapy-behavioralmental-health/life-and-health-coaches [2]) and has her own website presence for more learning if you follow to www.gpspiralconsulting.com [3]
Links:
[1] mailto:gpspiral@gmail.com
[2] http://www.lumigrate.com/forums/integrative-medicine-parts-make-whole/therapy-behavioralmental-health/life-and-health-coaches
[3] http://www.gpspiralconsulting.com/
[4] http://www.lumigrate.com/forum/communication-dancing-change#comment-1433
[5] http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Lesson-1-The-False-Power-of-Ego_1
[6] http://twitter.com/lumigrate
[7] http://www.lumigrate.com/forum/communication-dancing-change#top
[8] http://www.lumigrate.com/user/login?destination=node/864%23comment-form
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Comments
Gwen, how nice to see a post from you! I was coming to the website to write about my enthusiasm for Oprah's new program/"Lifeclass" that started last night -- she's structured it as a class for the self growth and in the first episode did a great job of integrating her life examples about 'ego' related to her self (weight loss), her significant other (Stedman), and her show. I see how what you've written about and posted, above, 'dovetails' with what I was about to write about related to this interesting class inspiring over a MILLION people today! (I provide a link, below, to encourage people who want to learn more to do so.)
In my past, after my mother suddenly died, which was oddly very easy to handle compared to having a parent who had a progressive neurological condition that included movement disorder and cognitive impairment, my health went through a failure or two, when I was about 30 and again at about 40, and in the first one I was SO scared I'd never get well again and was asking 'why did this happen to me' and it started me off on a journey with my own spirituality that brought 'source' or what most people refer to as 'God' into my life. This was different than my family, with the exception of my mother, who had become Catholic after her health problems came up.
With the second round of problems, it occurred when I'd just moved to a new city and at a time all my friends were an hour to three away and many had little kids, so for the first time in my life, I was 'on my own', and I got really 'fine' with being alone. I'd been raised with a lot of independence but I'd always had a lot of friends at school, who went to the same college/University I did and then I started working and lived for 18 years in that community.
This is why I like what I'm seeing on Oprah and want to bring it into the discussion here. When I'd 'listen', I'd hear something different than other members of my family would, who were atheist or agnostic. My growth, which enabled me to have sanity and peace in my life and heart through very hard times in my life, ironically lead to the disconnect with my family.
One of the key concepts covered in the first episode of Oprah's Lifeclass yesterday, which I caught in rerun at night (10/10/11 is the date of the show), which airs in reruns today during the day 10/11/11), is about the 'ego' and having people identify where their ego is getting in their way.
You and I had talked recently when we met when you were in Grand Junction, about a person coming from a place of 'poverty' thinking (a fearful base) versus 'abundance' (a trusting base), and this show tied into that if people wish to look into these concepts more. I think they're crucial to this important discussion.
The distinction was made that YOU are not your possessions or your 'positions' / (opinions) -- conflicts often arise when people verbalize an opinion and someone disagrees with it and the 'ego' gets in the way of people having a discussion about things. A person with an ego that's 'getting in their way' will hear an opinion and take it personally, turning nothing more than an opinion into a conflict.
Eckert Tolle is included in this first segment and naturally does a wonderful job discussing these concepts; I was one of the millions turned onto his books by Oprah; my copy of A New Earth has a Sams pricetag of $8.72 and I remember taking it to the live Fibromyalgia Forum in the spring of 2008 to encourage people to start following Oprah's education of the public with these types of books and experts.
If a person cannot listen to them self well, they likely won't be very effective "just hearing" what their parent is saying to them! I've seen a situation where the patient/parent had thought things through and really knew what they wanted, and some of the team around that person was able to 'get on board with that' but another adult child of the patient hadn't done the work to have the distinction of a 'person' versus 'possessions' and 'positions', and it becomes quite difficult. Petie the OT, who turned 75 yesterday, wrote about that recently as well here in the Functional/Occupational Therapy forum.
The medical team will follow the lead of the person who puts themself in the role of leader and if that person has dysfunction, then that's where things essentially remain. That's very difficult when you're part of a medical team but my ego always allowed me to say 'that's their deal', I am only hired for my expertise and advise, it's up to them to make it happen.
Being an occupational therapist, I have gotten to spend hours a week with people who are having to work these things through and much comes out in those times when a person is having to process 'where do I go from here'. Then I'd have the children finding me for conversations separately and we'd then have family meetings and decide whether to have the patient and what other family members involved. You're ultimately not going to be able to change the dynamics of a family so you just get in synche with them and do what you think is best for the patient.
It can become quite complex, particularly when the other entities get involved with the family team. I recall one patient I had who was going onto hospice and in the evenings one family member would be in the hall and another would be in the room; it turns out the family so fractured they wouldn't be in the same room together! The one family member would leave about dinnertime, and one night I was leaving at the same time and walked out to the parking lot, saying goodnight. The next day we had homocide detectives interviewing us as he'd been killed sometime in the next few hours after that!
Another case I've been involved with had a demented attorney who was entrusted by his elderly client of 20 years before when there was a sudden change in medical condition which lead to one of the family members to bring him in; why someone would let a demented parent chose the legal person when he was clearly old and taking months and months to something being needed ASAP, is beyond me. In the end, that case reminded me of Boston Legal's story line with William Shatner's character. And that show was really FUNNY but also sad and thought-provoking. At the end of each show the two men would sit on their patio and smoke cigars and talk ... and LISTEN. Because one of them was dealing with the very difficult reality of his mental ability changing and his career ending. This is easiest done by people who have their egos 'in line'. So I hope what I've added here helps facilitate that.
The link at Oprah.com to Lesson 1 of Oprah's Lifeclass (which I very much encourage people participating with)
www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Lesson-1-The-False-Power-of-Ego_1 [5]
Live and Learn. Learn and Live Better! is my motto. I'm Mardy Ross, and I founded Lumigrate in 2008 after a career as an occupational therapist with a background in health education and environmental research program administration. Today I function as the desk clerk for short questions people have, as well as 'concierge' services offered for those who want a thorough exploration of their health history and direction to resources likely to progress their health according to their goals. Contact Us comes to me, so please do if you have questions or comments. Lumigrate is "Lighting the Path to Health and Well-Being" for increasing numbers of people. Follow us on social networking sites such as: Twitter: http://twitter.com/lumigrate [6] and Facebook. (There is my personal page and several Lumigrate pages. For those interested in "groovy" local education and networking for those uniquely talented LumiGRATE experts located in my own back yard, "LumiGRATE Groove of the Grand Valley" is a Facebook page to join. (Many who have joined are beyond our area but like to see the Groovy information! We not only have FUN, we are learning about other providers we can be referring patients to and 'wearing a groove' to each other's doors -- or websites/home offices!) By covering some of the things we do, including case examples, it reinforces the concepts at Lumigrate.com as well as making YOU feel that you're part of a community. Which you ARE at Lumigrate!